blessings for the 11:11 gateway and loving what is, just because

For me they weren’t whistling Dixie when it was said September 27th, 2015 was propelling us into another dimension. And how! Yup, we are not in Kansas anymore. Now while I did not expect fairies and unicorns I also did not expect to get my ass kicked from here to New York with one of the most challenging months in years. I did read that a healing crisis was likely but man oh man, OUCH! For years my previously life long anxiety had subsided to a dull generally distant discomfort. When I allowed myself to turn in to it and feel it completely in my body, it generally disappeared quickly. I was aware my whole life was geared toward healing myself of anxiety. But last month during October it was taken to a whole other level. I saw numerous limitations rising to the surface to be restored to wholeness, ready or not. The primary one was my relationship to anxiety itself. It was still a most unwelcomed guest. I did all the things I knew to do ALWAYS with the intention of showing it the door asap. Yet the monster lurked in the corner, ready to pounce at any moment, robbing me of so much joy in my life. Actually, I should correct that and say it robbed me of the RECOGNITION of joy. In hindsight, I can see the joy was there, I often just missed it. So October put paid to that. No matter what I did, the energy I will call anxiety for simplicity sake but is actually a bundle of physical sensations ranging from a spine so tight it feels it could snap to a nauseous feeling in the belly to shoulders so tense it hurts mixed with fear thoughts. Nothing was making it go away and it was reaching panic proportions until it peaked October 26th. It became unbearable and I literally did not know how to survive it. So I mustered up every ounce of courage I had ever had, called on every guide, teacher, angel, fairy, unicorn (hey, why not, wanted to cover my bases) and did what I had never been able to do before. I kept getting signs, message this was what was required but trust me, I resisted as long as I could bear it. Finally I called on all the gods and welcomed it because it was a part of me, I said stay as long as you need, pull up a chair, I love you because you are there, you are a part of me. Yes, maybe I won’t survive it if you stick around at this level but so be it. I can’t run anymore, I have run far enough. Long story short, that changed everything. No, the symptoms did not vanish but they did subside to a tolerable level BECAUSE I gave them space, air to be there. I threw out the resistance and that was the magic gateway. The symptoms gradually subsided and over 6 days diminished until they vanished and I woke up one day in peace. You have no idea the celebration and relief I felt. Yet I had learned my lesson. The panic woke me up so that I committed with my whole being to welcoming whatever arose NOT to make it go away but because it was there and needed my love. Since that day numerous awarenesses and gifts have continued to flood in. I no longer feel the need to prove to myself my own value or worth. I used to sometimes post blogs from the need to have a sense of worth gained through contribution, through a display of my hard won wisdom. That is gone. The sense of a monster that could take me down at any moment is gone. Since the door is open should anxiety want to visit, that terror of the monster is erased. In its place is a spaciousness, niggles of joy that sometimes reach an incredible level of expansion. My heart has felt so full several times that tears spill out of my eyes and I feel I could simply lift off, floating in a heavenly energetic of bliss. Nothing mind you, NOTHING in my outer world has changed. All my “problems,” the lack of income etc is exactly the same. But my inner landscape has changed dramatically. I see it all as absolutely there for my highest good, to wake me up as quickly as possible. I no longer have any problems because I changed my relationship to what is, seeing issues as friends assisting me in gaining wisdom rather then enemies meant to be banished. I will be shocked if my outer world does not begin to change to match my inner reality. It already has in many ways. I continue to be blessed with the generosity of so many friends, I am meeting new people, having amazing connections with “strangers”, experiencing increased intimacy, adoring myself even more. It is like a fairy tale where the hero/ine must slay the dragon to win the boon, the hand of the princess, the gift of love. All it takes is feeling and embracing your fear. I know this is no easy task. I know it takes more courage then you think you have. I know the gift of freedom on the other side. I know you can do this. Hold my hand if you need to, think of the joy and freedom on the other side and just jump.12108874_1510940102556417_5437877027279066395_n

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *