befriending scarcity

After years of attention and I love you’s, I was able to finally fully embrace anxiety. Now I am on the same path with scarcity. This is definitely still a work in progress. I am not able to really embrace it without doing so only because I desire it to go away. Still being with that. So I took my own medicine again, offered by Dr. Matt Kahn and have been doing my best to make friends with this unruly neighbor. I have been focusing on abundance all year long as a daily practice and have made much headway. I have been given numerous gifts, services, classes, books, adventures, meals, drinks even some cash but still income is a almost a complete no go in my life. I am living on retirement savings and super grateful to have them but less then thrilled to see them dwindle long before retirement.
Here is one miraculous shift that has occurred. There were times when I was what I’d call rich. Yet I always feared lack and scarcity, ALWAYS. So it is clear money is not the the answer. I am clear that money and abundance are not synonymous. I am clear an attachment to money does not serve me but rather makes me a slave or victim to money. To be free I must know my source as Source, not money. I adore the stuff and am more when willing to have boatloads of it, without attachment. So with my daily focus here is what has shifted. I now see I have had an incredibly abundant life. Friends would tell me that and I could understand it intellectually yet could not hold it in my heart. I now see and know how extraordinary my life has been and is. I have had incredible experiences and adventures and I now feel more abundant then ever despite never having had less income, even in my early 20’s. But scarcity still has me cowering. I am sending I love you’s and asking scarcity what it needs from me. First of course it needed my acceptance and a full recognition of all the gifts it has brought me from humility to incredible gratitude and appreciation of what I do have and have had. What came up in the last days is that I have a strangle hold on scarcity. I see my whole family runs this pattern including my sister who is rich yet still fears scarcity. I was asked to face my worst fear which is not being able to provide a home for my daughter. I am a single mother. I feel the fear in my body as I write this. I faced this one by realizing she could live with her dad if necessary. Then I faced it for myself and realized I could live in a trailer. I told my friend how I was facing my worst fear and my trailer plan and she offered me her trailer if worst came to worst! Miracle! I forgot she even had one tucked away somewhere. So that takes care of some of the worst case scenario fears. Still can’t quite face being homeless without a trailer but letting that go for now, Next I saw what I am being asked to do, the answer I got involves another deep, jump off the cliff surrender. I got an inner message that it is time to let go of scarcity by not only giving of my time without being paid which I have down endlessly in my life including about 3500 hours of non paid work as I trained to be a therapist and currently includes my volunteer hours at the local prison, I got the inner urge to tithe, i.e give 10% of my income. What!!!!!!! *^%$#@!@#$%%^^^&^&&&&&*&**********&%$##_*^#@ Again, feels like mission impossible to give when I have so little income, very low 3 figures monthly but what the hell, in for a penny, in for a pound. I am going to follow my guidance where angels fear to tread and see what happens. I have one pointed vision on living an abundant life so will take this very fearful step to loosen my grasp on money. I’ll let you know what happens. I am sure it is no coincidence that I have the courage and insight to take this step after spending the weekend with Matt and Julie. Wish me luck!

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