Posting from a nother site in case it is of interest. Matt is MAtt Kahn
OK loves, here is what is coming up for me. I feel like a steam roller has been having its way with me. Two days ago a teaching from “A Course of Love” blew me out of the water. In a nutshell, it said we have tried so hard to not be dependent, to be so bloody independent In many ways we have tried to cut ourselves off from needs. This is not the answer. OK, this already had my mouth hanging open like a fish. What, I don’t have to be so damn independent, don’t have to hunt those needs down like outlaws on the run and shoot them where they stand. Really? What relief. I have been a light chaser, trying to deck my humanity in favor of my Divinity.Yes, I have adored my Divinity but that sticky/ stinky humanity, not so much.
But here is where it gets better. We allow, love our needs yet what will ultimately happen is they will disappear in the knowingness of our true nature. WE will no longer think about needs because they are met before a thought arises. Can you taste the liberation of this? This is a show stopper.
After reading this I feel into a magical sleeping beauty sleep and then woke up the princess of my own heart. Here is what I am realizing ever more deeply. I have been on the warpath toward my human side. swear to God it has been shot to kill. Now, this is subtle my friends as I would swear to you I adore myself. Yet subtly I want my pesky humanity to hit the road and leave me alone. So I committed more deeply to adore EVERYTHING that arises, especially the nasty gnats of life that keep upsetting my apple cart. Now, this is easier said than done and so, of course, I got a pop quiz. But first I followed a very subtle intuition and got a wonderful gift by doing so that helped me anchor more fully this loving my human part. To follow the intuition took great courage as It was, for me, an out there choice. It went beautifully and help me deeply grieve how mean I have been to my own humanity. IT is a bit grueling physically. So I wake up today and another little gift from the Mystery is offered to see if I am ready to love the next wound that surfaced and caused my nervous system to go haywire. I have to say I passed with flying colors after an initially judging the shit out of the humanity wound. But hey I had a quick recovery. I am just writing here in case anybody can relate and because it helps me anchor my commitment even deeper in my heart. I hope I can convey the subtly of this. On the surface, I was deeply loving everything but there was such an undercurrent of self-rejecting it has taken now to see it. No wonder Matt keeps on telling us to love it all without manipulation or coercion, hoping for something else. What a ride, right!?! Blessings to all of you dear friends as we ride this wild tiger taking us Home to ourselves.
EDITED: Forgot one big piece, I have looked for the gift for years and find it gets easier but now I am impelled to look deeper for a more compelling gift to make up for my sensitivity, for the way overwhelm has shapeshifted my life, created what feels like limitations. So here is what I came up with. The man I was speaking to from my group said he sees I have embodied the teachings maybe more than anyone in the group, that I feel it as energy in my body where most are still in their heads with it. True. My sensitivity gives me access to information others may not have. More important it has forced/directed/steered me into incredible compassion. My sensitivity is what has kept me devoted to this path, it makes it essential I love what is to circumvent suffering. It has opened my heart. When I reflect on who I was, so closed and guarded I am grateful to be alive in a time when such profound shifts are occurring. No desire to return to who I was, so separate and cut off from my own heart. The price of admission has been rather high but I would never be willing to go back to the close-hearted person I was. I have one relationship that is unconditionally loving which is one of my greatest dreams. The sensitivity leads me to this.
Now I question my belonging. I feel loneliness come up periodically. Yet I am no longer willing to drop kick it, now I have such tenderness, such true empathy for that state. Yes, sometimes I question it, twisting and turning and trying to escape it but less. I catch myself more quickly and more easily return to a deep compassion for self and other. I do not like the conditions yet I celebrate what the conditions have blossomed within me.
As Matt says it is time vs.intensity. Matt went through two years of feeling like he was dying every day. Glad I did not chose warp speed as he did. Apparently I chose the exact speed I can handle.